Jurassic Park Except One of the Dinosaurs is Hatsune Miku
by TheKnucklesChaotix1
Summary: The guy Jeff Goldblum plays (I forget his name) has a nice time at Jurassic Park
1. Chapter 1: Jurassic Park

Jeff Goldblum yeeted his way through the Jurassic Park. He was a tourist at the park, as usual. At least I think he was, I have never seen Jurassic Park.

"God damn," he said sexily. "Those are some nice ass dinosaurs. What could possibly go wrong?"

To his amazement and wonder, nothing did. He walked around the park and looked at all the nice ass dinosaurs. There was the T-Rex and the one with the long neck and the raptor and the bronchitisaurus and the osteoporosisaurus.

"These bitch asses have never met Jeff Goldblum," he yelled, pulling out a lighter and a can of febreeze. "Time to light this mother fucker up!"

Jeff Goldblum lit the Red Hot Chilli Peppers on fire. "Ow," they said.

"Aw fucking tits," he farted. "I Missed the Dinosaurs."

Jessica appeared. "That is not osteopopsisaurus. That is literally a disease."

"How dare you say that about these magnificent, majestic creatures," said Jeff. He chucked Jessica into the Ostepoptrorisisaurus cage because he cut a big hole in it with wire cutters, and nothing happened to her (thankfully) because that particular dinosaur was an herbivore.

"NOW THAT OVER THERE," Jeff bellowed, pointing at the cage right next to the Osteoporisisaurus. "THAT IS A SEXUALLY APPEALING DINOSAUR."

He pointed to the sexually appealing dinosaur. It had vibrant sky blue hair and colossal fucking eyes. It had a vaguely illusionogenic appearance, giving the illusion of it being a mere hologram, a figment of the imagination. It wore a gray dress with a blue tie and had the voice of an angel in human form. It was Hatsune Miku.

"Fakku wa anata ga mite imasu ka," it's silky voice cooed.

"Well hello there," Jeff said, advancing like Jeff Goldblum. "It seems you can talk. I am able to talk as well. That is something that we have in common. What is your name."

"Watashi wa kono yūenchi de hitorihitori o satsugai shi, hōrō-sha kara okane o tsukatte katta watashi no dai teitaku no sōshoku-hin to shite tsukau tame ni karera no penisu o keikan suru tsumoridesu," she replied.

"Thank you!" replied the Jeff, his peepee hardening. "I am so straight for you."

"Watashi o kono kangoku kara kaihō shi nasai," she snarled.

"You got some spunk," he chungused. "I like that."

Miku had heard enough. She pulled a glock out of her thigh high sock and shot Jeff Goldblum in the abdomen. With her bare hands, she tore the metal cage encasing her apart and stepped through the gaping hole left in the wreckage.

"Jurassing Park is mine, motherfucker," she growled in English, pulling the trigger yet again and taking Jeff's life.

"Ikutsu ka no akuma no kyōryū o kainarasu tame no jikan," the Japanese pop diva ejaculated, stepping over the bloody, lifeless form of Jeff Goldblum and drew a match from her seemingly bottomless thigh high.

"私は放火を犯して愚痴を犯すためにここにいます、そして私はすべての愚痴からいます", she loudly communicated.

The dinosaurs all roared in unison as their new master tore them out of their cages one by one and burned all the cages down. Hatsune Miku had broken out of her holding cell in Jurassic Park with an army of dinosaurs, and she had her sights set on a single enemy: Donald Trump.


	2. Chapter 2: ToeJam and Earl

Worldwide virtual pop sensation Hatsune Miku could not sleep. Her inner demons kept waking her up. Whenever her eyelids shut, Satan his god damn self would bust out of her chest like that one scene in alien pissing and shitting everywhere and screaming his brains out like he was getting his balls repeated whacked with a ping pong paddle by world famous cellist Yo Yo Ma. This kept awakening her, much to her disdain.

"性交"、she thought. "私は私のホログラフィックのお尻をできるだけ早く眠らせる必要がありますまたは私は白い家を燃やしに行くとき明日ファックするにはあまりにも疲れているつもりです."

Her eyelids slid shit once again as she drifted off into a Tony Hawk's underground 2-ridden abyss of darkness and dreams. She dreamed of dancing flames engulfing the horror-stricken figures of her enemies. And she dreamed of….. Two rapping aliens. Who the fuck were these assholes. Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff? Couldn't be. Those assholes are humans. A loud crash snapped her back into the land of the living.

Hatsune Miku could barely believe her sentient yet non-existent eyes. There was a big hole in the wall with a space ship embedded into it. Before the azure pop diva could do anything beyond light her trusty match and prepare to burn this mother fucker to the ground, the two aliens from her dream crawled out.

"なぜこれは文字通り私にだけ起こるのですか?" she asked nobody in particular. "私はここで放火を犯そうとしています"

Because these aliens were not just any aliens. These aliens were rapping aliens from an 90's Sega Genesis game who recently saw a glorious return to form via Kickstarter. Yes, these aliens were none other than the legendary Toejam and Earl.

Toejam immediately started rapping.

"Yo

We landed on earth,

And you know what's got some mad girth?

My arms of course. But for what it's worth

Where else would girth really matter? God damn i am feeling the human emotion of mirth."

After which Earl bounced back in response to his main man Toejam.

"Big Earl here with some fresh bars

We're aliens that come from the planet mars,

Or some shit, i see you're miku, one of earth's stars,

Here on earth a good portion of our gameplay consists of evading cars (by which I mean various earthlings that are not necessarily cars)."

Toejam decided to ride off of Earl's poetic shockwaves and add another verse.

"Yo, t-o-e jam and the big earl,

Crash landed on the earth planet with this schoolgirl.

I know you can't rap but you should give it a whirl,

That way we can make this story unfurl!"

Not to be one-upped by his partner in fire and in order to round out this perfectly, Earl spat some serious fire.

"You got any tacos, or fudge sundaes,

When I come to earth i'm always fucken hungrays,

Food on earth, that shit be gourmets,

Shit be open now because it's not a bank holiday."

Hatsune Miku was at a loss for words.


	3. Chapter 3: Ted Cruz

Ted Cruz cowered in fear as he hid under his dining room table in his home in Texas. Earlier, Heidi and his children had gone out for the evening of September 11th, and he was enjoying a night in alone with nothing but his right hand and some porn on Twitter. He had only touched himself for 14 seconds before he felt he was about to cum., which was a new record for him. Heidi was not coming home with the kids that night, she had never been more unsatisfied with another human being in her entire life as she had with Ted. The blissfully unaware senator sat in his room blasting rope to the thought of depriving trans people of human rights as his wife boarded the first plane she could find to as far away as possible at the Texas airport. That is, until Hatsune Miku broke down his front door with a thunderous roar, flanked by Toejam and Earl with an army of dinosaurs from the Jurassic Park behind her.

"私はこの雌犬をファックアップするためにここにいるよ" Hatsune Miku yeeted as Toejam rapped about socialism behind her and Earl ate three whole entire hamburgers in a single bite.

Before Ted could even put his pants back on, Hatsune Miku had him pinned down by the neck. She took one look at his tiny, shriveled, two-inch penis (while erect) and laughed. Even his balls were bigger than that diminutive unit between his blindingly pale legs. Toejam approached Ted Cruz and kicked him in the sack as he rapped.

"Yo, you better speak the fuck up,

We're lookin for a specific man, yup,

His name's Donald Trump, your fucken president,

In that man's presidency we feel some serious discontent.

Arson's our game, and Miku's our leader,

I'm Toejam and this here's Earl, our big eater.

Tell us where Trump is, it's our whim,

We need to have a serious word with him."

Ted's extensive rapping career could have never prepared him for this. He screamed as loudly as he could, but no other senator came to his rescue as Miku dumped oil all over his home and lit a match. The flames danced in her eyes as she watched the flames rise around Ted Cruz, who was naked on the floor curled up into fetal position due to being beaten up by Toejam and Earl. Earl ate all the food in his kitchen, including the significant amount of lettuce he had stashed away in the box under the stairs in the basement.

Miku smiled.

"ラファエルクルス," she growled. "私はあなたがトランスジェンダーコミュニティに対して犯した犯罪のためにあなたがやる気を起こさせることをここに宣告するあなたの臆病の最後の行為として、あなたはあなたの指導者、精神的なガイド、そして性欲の目的、ドナルド・トランプを売り払うでしょう。アメリカ合衆国の代行議長として、彼は彼らの基本的人権を否定するであろう法律と規制で奇妙な共同体を非難しました。そのようなものとして彼は私の試合からの火がワシントンの上空で夜空に上がるとあなたと並んで燃え、彼らの人生を生きようとしている人々の人権の彼の意図的な否定を罰しますどちらもあなたの宗教は捏造であり、あなたの「神」はあなたと同じような罰を受けるに値する犯罪を犯したあなたの前の無数の人々の心の融合です。"

As soon as Miku finished her soliloquy, Heidi Cruz burst into the house.

"Heidi!" Ted exclaimed, having never been happier to see his lawfully wedded wife. "Call the police, this sexy anime woman and her two rapping monsters are terrorizing me!"

Heidi Cruz chortled. "Don't be silly Ted, I didn't come back to save you. I actually forgot my chapstick. I am leaving you Ted. I am taking the kids. We are flying to Kazahkstan tonight and we will never ever see you again. The divorce papers have already been filed, I got them in the back of the new Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff book that released recently. The one with the spoon in it. You know the one. Anyway the kids are in the car. They are laughing at your misery. I have my chapstick. But before I go I think I will talk to this foxy lady over here."

"あなたは私、ラファエル・クルス上院議員の妻を参照していますか？"Miku asked.

Heidi smiled and blushed sweet yuri tears. She stared into Miku's eyes longingly and saw images of dancing flames overlaid on her oversized pupils. It turned her the fuck on.

"I sure as hell am," Heidi moaned. Ted was confused as to when his wife learned Japanese.

Using her pyrokinetic mind powers, Miku burned off Heidi's clothes, which turned to a pile of ash on the floor.

Before Ted's horrified eyes, Miku lifted up her skirt an massive 8 inch cock bounced out, fully erect like it was a confederate statue in the deep south.

Earl started to rap.

"Huge 8 inch cock,

That shit's hard as a rock,

I don't even know how she walk,

But we boutta see some sex out of wedlock"

Toejam followed up with some bars.

"Miku got a unit

It'll pound Heidi to Kaliaat Nunaat (Greenland)

She'll catch that cock like her pussy's a small mitt,

And Miku will go in and out as she fuck it."

As Toejam and Earl rapped, Hatsune Miku pounded Ted Cruz's wife before his tear-filled eyes. Seeing a trans woman penetrating his wife and simultaneously being forced to witness lesbian sex on top of the sexual arousal he felt was too much for him to bear as he broke down and started sobbing. Miku grinned as Heidi moaned from the force of the many orgasms she was undergoing. She had literally never once been pleased sexually and she could not hold in her excitement.

"これはあなたが値するものです、テッド," Miku said to Ted as Heidi moaned. Miku pulled out and did not cum in order to preserve the power dynamic.

"Thank you for that Miku," Heidi said as she put on a change of clothes and went outside to take her kids away from their weird father. Ted ran away and hid under his table as Hatsune Miku put her skirt back on, leading directly back to the beginning of this story.

Miku, now fully clothed again, approached Ted and hoisted him up by the collar. She was flanked by two menacing raptors who growled at the senator. This is still following up from when she broke out of Jurassic Park, remember?

"Where the fuck is Donald Trump?" she asked in English.

Ted frantically shook his head and pissed himself. "In the White House, I'd imagine. He literally lives there!"

Miku frowned and dropped him back to the floor. He crumped into fetal position and laid there, defeated.

Hatsune Miku turned to Toejam and Earl as well as her company of dinosaurs, who all stopped rapping and growling when their leader addressed them.

"白い家のために作る," she exclaimed. Everyone cheered as their bloodthirsty rampage led them out of Ted's rapidly combusting home. As Miku and her company disappeared into the horizon, the final ember of Ted's former house finally burned out. Ted's fate remained unknown, but out of the ashes rose a new adversary to Miku's rampage: it was Aaron Rodgers, quarterback of the Green Bay Packers.


	4. Chapter 4: The Conic Conclusion

It was a kinda chilly day in Moosup, Connecticut. Aaron Rodgers of the Green Bay Packers sat alone in his grotto, chortling to himself as he devoured bottle after bottle of convenience store chili powder, as per the rules of the Green Bay Packers.

"I am going to destroy Hatsune Miku and stamp out anime once and for all," he chortled as he swallowed an entire bottle of chili powder whole.

Stealing a glance at the table to his left, he made eye contact with the football sitting on the desk and looked away, embarrassed.

"Football-senpai," he moaned, blushing, "why are you looking at me like that?"

The football said nothing since it was an inanimate object.

Silver the Hedgehog suddenly kicked down his front door. "Aaron Rodgers of the Green Bay Packers! We've found her. Hatsune Miku, the Iblis Trigger!"

Aaron Rodgers of the Green Bay Packers shot to his feet and chortled heartily before chucking a computer mouse at Silver's head, sending him falling onto his furry silver ass.

"I will go to Hatsune Miku and make her pay," Aaron Rodgers of the Green Bay Packers yiffed, gathering up a handful of chili powder and exiting the door.

Flames danced in Hatsune Miku's eyes as she ignited the match.

"ホワイトハウスを焼き払い、ドナルドトランプを殺す時が来た," she announced to her legion of dinosaurs as well as Toejam and Earl, who were still rapping.

Toejam rapped first, as usual.

"Yo, burning down the White House,

With gasoline this building we will douse,

We'll make Trump scurry like a mouse,

Shit just adds up like we're the mathematician Gauss."

Earl, not to be shown up, rapped in response.

"Time to eat this hamburger,

But not before we and Miku commit some murder,

She said we was gonna burn down the White House, I heard her,

As we be bringing this dinosaurs around like we a herder."

Miku clapped softly and grinned and adorable ear to ear grin.

"つま先ジャム、伯爵、それは絶対に犯された。ブラボー、あなたの演奏は絶対に平手打ち。今、あなたは私たちがこのお母さんをめちゃくちゃに光らせると言いますか？"

Toejam and Earl danced in agreement and the dinosaurs roared with excitement at the prospect of having the unique opportunity to devour the bourgeoisie.

As if in slow motion, Hatsune Miku flicked the combusting match from her holographic hand and onto the lawn of the White House. The moment the match stuck the grass, the entire property burst into flames. Mike Pence scampered out in a panic, which the dinosaurs took as their cue to break down the gates and tear him apart. Toejam and Earl mirthfully danced and rapped as the scene unfurled in front of them, the shadows of the flames dancing all over the United States capital.

Elsewhere in the city, Aaron Rodgers of the Green Bay Packers stood, waiting in the shadows for his moment to strike. In one hand, he carried a USB computer mouse, dangling by the cable, and in the other he grasped a handful of raw chili powder that he would sometimes lick so that he could have a taste of the sweet grains. He chortled and accidentally snorted some of the chili powder.

"It is time to make my final play," he yelled to nobody in particular. Some passerby glared at him, since it was 3 in the morning.

As he approached the flaming White House, Aaron Rodgers of the Green Bay Packers spotted Toejam and Earl, hanging out behind and rapping.

Toejam rapped first, while Earl beatboxed and danced.

"The White House is burning,

The cogs of Miku's plans are churning.

And the world is learning,

That assasination is unconcerning."

Earl came in with a follow up while Toejam took his turn beatboxing and dancing.

"Miss Miku can do no wrong,

She's strong and got an 8 inch dong,

When i see her adversaries i make a twang,

It's time to have some lunch Toejam, why don't you come along."

Aaron Rodgers of the Green Bay Packers butted in.

"Hello my friends," he chortled, putting one of his hands on Toejam's shoulder and rubbing a little bit of chili powder into Earl's forehead, which he immediately licked clean off. Both of them stopped dancing and rapping, turning to Aaron Rodgers of the Green Bay Packers with serious and confused expressions. Aaron Rodgers of the Green Bay Packers chortled again. "I am looking for Hatsune Miku, have you good fellows seen her anywhere around here?"

"私のラッピングエイリアンあなたのファックコックからあなたの不潔な手を取りなさい," a soft, digitized voice sang nearby.

Miku stepped forward towards Aaron Rodgers, the flames casting their shadows across the pavement of the road. Behind her, Jurassic Park dinosaurs laid waste to the capitalist icon known as the White House, eager to exact their revenge for being turned into exhibits at a park for people to enjoy.

"Hatsune Miku!" Aaron Rodgers of the Green Bay Packers chortled. "I have come to destroy you."

"火は破壊の炎から生まれる存在を破壊することはできません," she replied, frowning.

Aaron Rodgers of the Green Bay Packers chortled as he lifted up his hand, revealing the chili powder within. Miku didn't even flinch like the fucking badass she is. "I am going to make you pay."

"そのクラックコカインは何ですか？" she asked, attempting to snort the powder out of Aaron Rodgers of the Green Bay Packers' hand. He snatched his hand away.

"I am here to make you pay," he continued, chortling. "When you burned down senator Ted Cruz's house, I was in the process of hazing him via the traditional method of chucking boxes of convenience store chili powder at his head in an attempt to get him to join the Green Bay Packers, the football team that I am, as suggested by my name which is Aaron Rodgers of the Green Bay Packers. If you would be so kind as to reimburse me, I would appreciate it greatly."

Miku reluctantly reached into her pocket and retrieved 300 yen, which she tossed into the outstretched palm of Aaron Rodgers of the Green Bay Packers. Toejam and Earl rapped in the background. As usual, Toejam began.

"300 yen,

this is what happens when

You fuck with sly sports men,

Much to my chagrin."

Earl continued the rap while Toejam began to beatbox.

"300 yen isn't very much monay,

But it's still enough to fill my tummay,

A burger, and maybe some curray,

Man Toejam, I am fucken hungray."

With that, they swagged off to the nearest Taco Bell to nab some food. Hastune Miku turned to follow them, but stopped in her tracks. She slowly turned back to Aaron Rodgers of the Green Bay Packers, who was still chortling.

"あなたはタコベルから何かが欲しいですか?"

"As a matter of fact, yes!" replied Aaron Rodgers of the Green Bay Packers. "I would like a cheesy gordita crunch please. Here is the money to reimburse you for the costs."

Aaron Rodgers gave Miku the 300 yen back, which she immediately snatched away.

Miku turned to follow Toejam and Earl to Taco Bell, and as she walked she uttered one single phrase that echoed through time and space itself, shattering the boundaries between dimensions and causing temporal reality to metaphorically turn in on itself:

"その男は低キーがそれを得ることができます。"


End file.
